Lessons I’ve learnt: Trust

Have you ever been in a position where you left everything behind? Everything you knew, owned, liked, everything that comforted you to chase your dream. Left to get out of your comfort zone as they say. Experience new things. This feeling is like no other – when you board the plane to fly to the other side of the world, knowing exactly 4 people there (but you will only see one of them face to face). But then again there’s this feeling when you quit the job that wasn’t great but was comfortable, paid bills, you knew the place inside out, it was easy. You decide to leave again, head into the unknown, chase the adventure. It’s a major part of traveling; you do meet people, form relationships – whether they are close or more distant you do need to put some trust in people. I do trust people, with a grain of salt but I do. I choose to give them the benefit of the doubt, see the best in them. I think that’s partially my problem. I choose to see what I want to see. And sometimes it comes back to bite me in the ass.

It’s crazy how the time to form quality relationships doesn’t matter. The people I spent 3 months with turned out to care about me more than the ones I spent a year with. Funny that time really doesn’t matter. I was always told that good things come with time, that you have to work for trust, friendships, love and it takes time to gain trust. I don’t really think so to be honest.
It seems that your commitment also doesn’t really matter because what plays major role is people’s ego. So what I learnt, maybe even the hard way, is that ego is a big problem for many people. The need to be liked, admired, respected, to look good in the eyes of others. People are willing to fake so many emotions just to ‘look good’. Like the Good Samaritan. They’ll do and say anything to make others believe that they are ‘good people’, helpful, caring etc. etc. when in reality they have lots of deeply rooted problems that they cannot resolve and the only way to make themselves feel better, even for a second, is approval of total strangers.

What I also learnt is, that even though people do care about you it means nothing when they don’t care about themselves. Their self destructive lifestyle, lack of positive figures in adolescent life, unresolved traumas from the past and most importantly the inability to see that there is a problem will drag you down with them. You will trust them that they will sort themselves out, because well you are there for them right? If you’re a savior like me you will stick around believing you can fix them. And you won’t because it’s not your job. But what you will do is you’ll start losing yourself, getting sucked into their whole of despair and if you don’t react fast enough you’ll find yourself in a pretty shitty position. It’s not worth it. It never will be.

I like to start things with clean slate. We can’t erase our past and should learn from it, but not everything has to be a lesson. Sometimes things just go to shit and that’s that. So leaving everything behind once again and moving on seems like the best remedy for me.
I’m all for giving second chances but not third. I said it to myself many times recently:

I don’t have all the time in the world to deal with people’s problems.

I’ll just go and do what I do best; start again. With a clean slate.

Lessons I’ve learned: Relationships

Did you ever have that feeling when you just can’t get out of your head, thinking of someone. Remembering every word they said, reliving every moment together. Overthinking & analyzing every single bit of conversation or text, creating your own reality and spinning things out of control? I bet you did. We all did.

You meet someone – maybe there were fireworks and deep connection from the start or maybe you just had drunken one night stand with them, but somehow they managed to catch your attention. Things progress, you get talking, get to know each other, reveal your secrets, expose your soul a little or maybe a lot. You become friends, you become lovers, everything seems great.

That can last for months, years or weeks – the thing is you never know how long it will last. The one thing you know is how you feel. And the truth is, whether you choose to acknowledge that or not, your feelings will always come out.

So maybe sometimes you meet someone who seems perfect, they could be ticking your boxes but there is something missing, and you know it. But still, you proceed to get involved with that person because maybe you don’t want to be alone, maybe you like the attention, maybe you think the feelings will come, maybe you should give everyone a chance. So you convince yourself that this is right, you should go for it because that person is just great and it’s all you wanted for so long. They treat you right, make you feel wanted & secure. But deep down you are missing something, the attraction, the spark, the passion. And let me tell you this – if that’s what you are missing please don’t invest your time.

Because life is too short to go for people who don’t light a fire inside you.

Life is too short to be stuck in mediocre relationships that don’t ignite your soul. Maybe they give you flowers without occasion, maybe they make you lunches to work or take on vacations.. but if you don’t feel butterflies when they kiss you, if you don’t want to run to them with your newest idea, if you don’t look at them and think ‘wow I am lucky to walk by your side’, if they are not the hottest person in the room to you – maybe it’s time to spend some time alone. I am guilty of putting myself in situations where I tried to convince myself ‘yes, this is what I want, the feelings will come’ and let me tell you this – they never did. I treat every encounter or relationship as a lesson and try to learn from it. But oh boy, seems that some lessons I just can’t quite grasp. So this is the time to finally make a promise to myself and stick to it. Make a conscious effort to put ego aside and focus purely on feelings. Because they never lie, they never fail.

Once I read somewhere that you should never make decisions when you are happy or sad – why? Because your judgement is clouded and perhaps you are not making the best choice for you.

Maybe this post sounds a bit sad or negative but it comes from a good place. It comes from a place of realization and inner peace. Sometimes things have to be said out loud/written down to be really acknowledged and understood. At least in my case 🙂

So here’s to better choices in the future, to following your feelings and intuition because that’s all you can trust! When it comes to love we can’t be too rational, calculating potential profits of the relationship or trying to meet other people’s expectations. We are allowed to lose it a bit, immerse yourself in the feeling. If you want to, go for it! Fearlessly walk through life with your head high and know your worth. Live your best life. Set your standards high and don’t let people tell you otherwise – because trust me, when you’ll meet the right person, you’ll know. Someone asked me recently, when do you know someone is right for you, long term. When do you know you are in love? And I said

When you know, you know.

You just can’t explain it. It feels different for everyone. And nothing can beat that feeling.

Lessons I’ve learned: Friendship

* I’ve written it a few weeks ago, before flying home *

It is a very strange feeling to be sitting here in the sun, thinking that in 3 days I’ll be on a 30 hour flight home. Something I didn’t think would happen so soon. But it is happening and I gotta deal with it somehow. I can proudly say that my mindset have changed so much and I deal with problems much better now than I used to, but also being just a human, sometimes it’s hard to accept certain situations and pretend that everything is ok when it’s not. I am hurting and most of all I am very disappointed that I just can’t to seem learn a lesson to stop giving people my 100%. Stop mothering them, stop trying to help & support them.

I feel like I’ve lost my home away from home, a place that I manifested and worked for. A place that will always be in my heart because it was my first home in Australia, because of all the incredible memories I made and people I’ve met there. Even though it was hard to deal with the fact that maybe this place isn’t ‘mine’ anymore, I am grateful for one major lesson: don’t be afraid of cutting people off from your life. I always said that to everyone but couldn’t take my own advice. Until now. During the 3 months of farm work I’ve had a lot of time to think, to reflect on my past, my relationships with people and work on self-development. I’ve watched people having incredible bonds, being supportive, honest, generous and loving and that made me realize, maybe some of the relationships I had weren’t serving me the way they should. When I was giving my 100% I was receiving nothing in return. The so called friendships were shallow, one sided and based on mutual benefits. I guess I had to get hit pretty hard to realize that maybe I am too good for it. I love giving but when you don’t even get gratitude maybe it’s time to stop.

I will never give up that side of me that is caring, helpful, kind and maybe a little bit naive. I will always give people the benefit of the doubt but like one very wise lady said (shout out to you Elly!) ‘don’t share your secrets’ – and I won’t anymore. I’ll let people work things out themselves, I’ll let them to find their own way to happiness instead of giving away my piece of heaven. At least I know now I can find happiness anywhere – it’s not a place, a person, a job but the state of mind. Leaving Agnes was emotional but it opened many other doors for me. I’m a little bit nervous but also very excited to find my new ‘home away from home’ where I can live my little dream for a bit longer.